They can’t all be good can they? Usually your heart tells you going in that the next 2 hours of your life is going to drag. But, even the weakest, laziest, most derivative popcorn fare has something that can be salvaged as a positive. Here then are three recent films I watched that disappointed in the main, but with a hint of at least something good worth talking about.
I wouldn’t put you off any of them, to be fair, but be warned: there are far, far better examples of each genre type available out there. I’ll try to explain why I think they fail, what positive aspects of each can be taken away, and what I’d recommend you might watch as an alternative. Comments always welcome if you disagree or not…
If there is a better example of a tired franchise that needs to be left alone now, then The Terminator brand is it. Messing about with time-lines and alternate realities should be a blank canvas for creativity, as it was in the first two James Cameron sci-fi classics, but for three films in a row it has been a confusing, preposterous recipe for action movie disaster. Where all three Terminator films since T2 are letting us down is in trying to crowbar too much narrative into too little space, whilst favouring the CG fight sequences over any other aspect of story or character. Basically, the writers, directors and marketing machines of all three have killed them in the starting blocks. What started out as a mind-blowing commentary on fate and survival has become a lazy excuse for cheesy one liner delivery and re-hashed action sequences devoid of true tension.
I prefer this to Genysis, but don’t like it quite as much as Salvation, although all three are awful messes really. It is cute to see Linda Hamilton return after so long, but truthfully did anyone really need it? She is fine, if largely unmemorable here, as is Arnie, who phones it in as usual. But the latest Terminator itself, aka Gabriel, is boring and brings little new to the table. What is worth applauding is the commitment to the role of Grace by Mackenzie Davis, who kicks ass in every scene and also acts everyone else out of the ballpark. As a whole it isn’t as bad as you might fear it would be, but it still isn’t great. Watch it only if you are a Terminator completist or you really don’t have anything else to do.
Decinemal Rating: 64
As an alternative, why not watch Rian Johnson’s thoroughly watchable and re-watchable Looper from 2012. A killer sent back in time who absolutely will not stop? Tick. A child who must be saved at all costs? Tick. The best action role on Bruce Willis’ CV for two decades, and great turns from Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Blunt and Paul Dano. It becomes a different film within itself 2/3s through, but there is very little not to like, and it creates a much more interesting dystopia than the Terminator franchise has in almost 30 years.
Where to begin with Luc Besson? The masterpiece of Leon aside, he is notorious for creating beautifully bonkers visual treats that twist and turn like a monkey on cocaine, making as much sense. This comic book adaptation starts well, with some jaw dropping CG design and a decent concept – it truly is a dreamscape of glorious colour and imagination rarely matched… but so is Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and we all know how awful that is.
He just doesn’t have the knack with story and character in the same way as he does with the visuals, often leaving you with the impression that even the actors are confused by what is going on, and why, and what the hell is coming out of their mouths as an excuse for dialogue.
I like Dane De Haan, he has shown a lot of promise in some valiant near misses, such as Chronicle, The Place Beyond the Pines and The Cure For Wellness – three films I enjoyed, with reservations, that were better for him being in them – but he has not quite made it to the A-list as yet. Here, opposite the gorgeously cute but somehow hollow presence Cara Delevingne, he is burdened by a love story with no chemistry and some cringe-worthy banter. As the film ultimately focuses and depends on the likability of this relationship it inevitably fails; melting into comic book kookiness that loses a lot in translation.
I almost found myself hating them and wishing they would die painfully so the film could end, but not quite as much as I hated how fundamentally terrible Clive Owen was as the villain – I mean, so awkward and awful it made how uncomfortable Harrison Ford seemed in Ender’s Game look like an Oscar worthy performance. Risible. Inexcusable. Inexplicable. But that’s Besson where let loose into the realm of full sci-fi.
One corner of joy was Rihanna as the shape-shifting Bubble, who showed a charm and talent for film acting I hadn’t quite expected, and how much fun Ethan Hawke had dressing up and hamming it up as Jolly, her pimp. But essentially, you’d be better off turning the sound off completely and just drinking in the spectrum of imaginative design on display. A film that may hold some cult status into the future, and one small children may get oddly addicted to, but as a functioning and satisfying cinematic story… just, no.
Decinemal Rating: 62
Alternatively, if you want teenage thrills with a palette of infinite creativity and some sci-fi eye candy, look no further than Spielberg’s Ready Player One. A textbook example of how a complex story replete with high concept ideas can be told without confusing the hell out of everyone watching and tying the whole thing up with a colourful ribbon of bullshit. It gets better every time you go back to it and absorb the detail, a marvelous return to form for the maestro of adventure. Almost a perfect popcorn movie.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not know what The Rock is for? He’s certainly not for me! I’m sure he is a lovely man in real life, but how…? Why…? is he a movie star? It baffles me. Look, there is some fun to be had with this remake, and the themes it raises are actually reasonably smart and relevant to the world of teenagers in 2020, but it is just so second rate and lazy in so many ways. I am also not a fan of Kevin Hart’s schtick. I mean, he has made me laugh maybe twice in everything I’ve ever seen him do in the last ten years. Irritating sums it up better for me. Jack Black isn’t a whole lot better; his best films are good despite him, not because of him, in the main, and when he is bad he is very very poor indeed. That leaves Karen Gillan, and yes, she saves the show here, leaving the boys look awkward, forced and quite a bit dated.
It’s basically a body swap movie, a tried and tested recipe for Japes and easy gags in a kids movie. And as so it shamelessly borrows, adapts and full on steals every previous joke, observation and trick used in every body swap film ever made. Does it do anything new? Or better? Not as far as I could see. But, then again, I am no longer ten years old, and that is very much where this is pitched. Except it annoyed me most in the patronising choices it made for the ten year old of 2020 – are they all really that dumb? Because I remember the original Jumanji managing to be fun and intelligent at the same time. It’s very possible I have it wrong because it’s me that is getting further away from what kids identify with and enjoy these days, however.
Basically, I allowed it to wash over me whilst pining for the screen presence, comedic skill and empathy of Robin Williams. Therefore I was bound to hate it. Maybe one day I’ll see it in a better mood and accept that it is perfectly fine family fare. I have certainly witnessed worse over the years – at least the sense of adventure is mostly there, the production design is competent and it is ultimately harmless. It’s just not my bag.
Decinemal Rating: 65
For the sake of all sense, go back and watch anything made for kids between 1982 and 1995. Watch the original Jumanji, or better yet watch The Goonies, and rediscover that missing element of magic from an age that somehow knew how to balance the sentiment without making you wince.
As I am usually focussing much more on the positive and things I genuinely loved on The Wasteland, I’d be interested to hear any counter arguments to my criticism on these films. Or maybe you thought I was still too kind. Let me know.
The Wasteland 