Welcome to part 3 of the Bad Movie Triple Bills feature. As I am sure you are getting used to by now, this area is reserved for films I watched that left me palming my forehead in frustration, or puffing out my cheeks in boredom, or gritting my teeth in annoyance. Yes, those little nuggets of poop that waste 2 hours (or more) of your life in the worst way… not quite bad enough to stop watching, but certainly not good enough to merit a full solo review on The Wasteland. To confirm, I did not watch these “films” as an actual triple bill (or I would now be brain-dead), I have merely grouped them all together for convenience. I hope you enjoy my choices. If you disagree, or otherwise have a comment to leave, then please do so!
A textbook example of how to have a lot going for you and still show a flagrant disregard for the intelligence of your audience. On paper the grown up cast, representing the gang of kids from the first movie 27 years later, is stellar. But after several back to back scenes of exposition, catch-up and backstory nonsense, even the likes of James McAvoy and Jessica Chastain have lost the will to live (as actors, their characters just won’t fucking die). This film is almost 3 hours long! And I just can’t explain why anyone thought that was necessary. It isn’t as if it is super complicated. It is basically a repetition of hide and seek jump scares painted large in awful CGI over and over again, whilst the “plot” gets more and more lost and we care less and less about the adult kids by the minute. I guess, like the first one, it is almost watchable if you don’t want to think too deeply and don’t mind watching every horror cliche ever rehashed ad nauseum. The end is bonkers too, by the way. Minor cult status, but that is… it.
Decinemal Rating: 59
I know my body was present during this impossibly dull super hero outing in a dying franchise, but I couldn’t honestly tell you much about what happened… I was so out of my mind bored by every detail. The character of Jean Grey / Dark Phoenix has the potential to soar, as it almost did in the original X-Men trilogy, when the character was played by Famke Janssen, but in the hands of Sophie Turner and director Simon Kinberg you have to wonder if it was possible to fuck it up any more given the budget? Turner is fine as a TV supporting actress, but I am afraid her cinematic future is as limited as her talent – she has almost no presence, which is a problem for a superhero. I mean, it’s colourful enough and there are some decent flash pop action bits… but the pace, structure, momentum and… point of it all is all over the place. For very, very staunch X-Men fans only. Shame.
Decinemal Rating: 57
Speaking of scripting problems… a fun game to play when watching this Netflix exclusive flop is to count how many lazy, generic lines are said in all the right places. Even better, try pausing it before a character is obviously about to give a pithy reply to someone and guess what they will say. You will be right most of the time. This game is far more fun than actually watching this ploddingly predictable tale, that is a half decent idea ruined at every turn by inept film-making. Any tension is consistently drained by the awful directing and editing, and every time someone speaks my sphincter tightened in embarrassment for the actors. Charlize Theron tries, bless her, but ultimately her earnest expression just makes her look constipated – I guess if you were that old you would be! Almost nothing here to recommend that you can’t find in dozens of other places done far better.
Decinemal Rating: 54
Join me again soon for 3 more films that should know better… thanks for stopping by! Shantih Kx
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